Wow! Our own heads can mess us up, if we aren’t careful. We moms can talk ourselves into believing all sorts of things unless we learn how to talk ourselves off a ledge. You probably spent a third of your day talking other people off the ledge, like the toddler who was going to have a breakdown, or the tween who was convincing herself she has no friends because her latest Instagram post didn’t get many likes. Some days it’s a friend who calls herself a bad mom or a husband who can’t take the messy living room one. more. day. But learning to talk ourselves off the ledge is the gift that keeps on giving. Here’s how it looks to me.
Good parenting isn’t always obvious. Sometimes it looks like an argument. Sometimes it looks like hiding in the bathroom. Take this for example. I am writing this in the mall. It may not look like it, but I call that good parenting. Why? Because I no longer need to shadow my daughter and her friend while they smell every scent in Bath and Bodyworks. Still, this forever mom(and journalist) worries that if I let her out of my sight for too long some creep will try to pick them up while they are innocently strolling through Forever 21. Wasn’t there a shooting at this mall several months ago? See? This is good parenting. I’m writing out all my crazy instead of letting my imagination get the best of me. This way I focus on choosing the right words rather than watching the minutes tick away on the clock until it is ‘check-in with mom’ time. I think this is a much healthier way to deal with my angst instead of spying on them in Barnes and Noble. There is power in writing our feelings out. Try it the next time you are freaked out.
I’m not always like this. Rationally I know that I am raising her to be a good adult. But even good kids make dumb choices. They can’t always help it. That whole frontal-lobe-isn’t-developed-until-they-are-25 -thing is totally irritating. Real, but irritating none the less. It doesn’t help I have 13 more years of this battle with the brain to go.
I grew up the oldest of 6. Kids don’t scare me. I never freaked out if her pacifier hit the floor or worried if she had a fever of 99. Kids are resilient. I use the phrase ‘suck it up’, a lot. Just ask her. I think that is why I’m always caught a little off guard when these waves of crazy pass over me.
Maybe it’s because she’s my only child. I struggled with infertility issues for years before I was able to have her. I won’t be able to have another child. I don’t want to mess this one up. 12 years later and I still feel the weight of knowing that she was my miracle.
Maybe it’s because her father and I are getting a divorce after 23 years. I think I can’t let anything bad happen to her because she’s been through enough. I don’t need someone kidnapping her at the mall too! She needs me! Oops, there goes the crazy again. At least I recognize the signs. We can’t be good parents if we aren’t honest about our own shortcomings.
Heck, maybe it’s NONE of those things. Maybe the waves come just because I’m a mom who loves her daughter. I mean, I am certainly not the only one with struggles, but the responsibility of molding another human into a person who will make the world a better place, well, that gets to all of us moms on occasion, right?
I’m just thankful that I have found an inviting place in the mall to talk myself off the ledge. There are worse places to kill time than with my laptop on a comfy couch wedged in between the Starbucks and shoes. The mall is even entertaining me with music. Right now “Love Lift Us Up(where we belong) is playing. Yes, the 1990 Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker Academy award winning song. No, I didn’t know that before I googled it with the malls free wi-fi. See, another bonus to good parenting. When we give our kids the freedom they deserve we can spend time learning new things.
I wonder who all these other people around me are waiting on? Everyone seems to be keeping busy but one by one they all do the same thing. A deep breath and a look around. I’m going to go out on a limb and say I am not the only parent feeling a little anxious today. It’s good to remember we aren’t alone.
Maybe this isn’t so bad after all. I don’t have to listen to her and friend decide whether their 12 bucks is best spent on a stuffed animal or on lip gloss. I will call it a success if she returns content with her choice and has some change left.
I think I could use a snack and if I get it right now, I can eat it before they come back and want some. Giving our kids freedom they need gives us time to give our bodies what it needs. Technically, I should probably be using this free time to take a walk or workout. Baby steps, people.
This is going to be OK. Breathe. Be present.
If my daughter were here right now, she’d take note of the windows in the roof and the way the light hits the space. My guess is she would say its a great spot for a selfie. I think I’ll call this post my selfie.
Being a parent is hard. Letting go is hard. But I’m doing it. I’m letting her experiment with freedom. I’m giving her the opportunity to see who she is when I’m not around and I’m saving myself hundreds in therapy bills by writing in the mall.
So, the next time you start to tell yourself you are a bad mom, for whatever reason, or that your kid is going to get kidnapped, just remember me, the crazy mom at the mall. Then, take a deep breath and talk yourself off the ledge. Your people need you, minus the crazy.